Limits

As promised, here is the Limits post.

When Monica and I first started talking about swinging we assumed that we would likely only be into same-room, soft swap and FMF threesomes and maybe, soft MFM threesomes.  We were pretty confident that we would be okay with that but were hesitant to go any further.  We set some initial boundaries too, like no kissing (which is a pretty common limit, as I understand it.)

Once we got into the scene we quickly found that the limits that we had been setting didn't make much sense when applied to the real world.  The first rule that was right out the window was the no kissing rule.  Monica had made this one and we weren't twenty minutes into our very first FMF encounter when she asked me to kiss the girl that we were with.  So that whole idea was immediately right out the window.  I never thought that kissing would be a problem and she found that watching me kiss another girl was a turn on and she found that she needed kissing to "work up" to more things - it was an essential component of her foreplay routine.  So that limit was eliminated before things even got started.

We had other limits that slowly faded away as well.  When we moved on from FMF to MFM, eliminating another limit right there, we were not sure how either of us felt about vaginal penetration.  I didn't know how I would feel and she was a little nervous about letting other guys inside of her, but, like the kissing, she went from sucking to fucking during our first MFM in no time and we felt silly having even worried about it.

The next limit to drop off was same room playing.  Pretty soon we tried playing in different rooms - why would what you do five feet from each other be different than what you do thirty feet from each other?  Once separate room was comfortable, pretty quickly so was playing alone.  Playing alone allowed us to play with a much better variety of people with much greater frequency as we did not need to coordinate as many schedules and it eliminated most of the "can't find a babysitter" problem.  That significantly aided in enabling our play time.  We also found that we really enjoyed playing alone, not just the person who did the playing but the one who got to hear all about it later.

One by one basically all of our limits dropped away.  If you really step back and look at the entire concept of swinging it really is about a combination of trust and exploration - neither one of which works well when there are limits imposed upon them.  Having limits implies a lack of trust and actually, I think, makes the process much harder. 

As we essentially have no limits we are able to be so much more relaxed and free.  We don't have to worry about crossing lines or having actions misinterpreted.  It allows us to be far more open with each other and more intimate with our paramours.  The experience is enhanced on both sides.

One key limit that we have kept and continue to recommend years after all of our other limits have dropped away is that we focus on our swinging activities as being additive sex rather than substitutional sex.  That is we make sure that sex with others is always extra sex, above and beyond what we normally have with each other never replacing that sex.  That's a bit of a grey area, of course, as you have no way to know definitively how much sex you would have with each other and often swinging sex activities wears both of us out and reduces our energy for sex with each other.

How we address this is not to be concerned with getting sex with each other in necessarily after every group or swinging encounter - often we are both exhausted and just want to go to bed.  We also recognize and accept that sex with each other might be met with a certain degree of "well, we can do that tomorrow" whereas sex with others might be a special occasion worthy of extra effort and is likely to involve additional arousal simply from the exotic nature.  Where we really focus the effort is when we are playing alone or separately that the party who was not involved in the swinging activity always reserves the unquestioned right to get all the sex that they want when the party who was out playing returns or as soon thereafter as is physically reasonable (the idea is not to prevent playing to exhaustion or soreness with others - that happens frequently.)

So now, two years into full out swinging, we've found that the ideas of limits so common, effectively ubiquitous among swinging newbies, has been gone since nearly the very beginning and we could not be happier.  If you need limits I think that it is important to consider if swinging is really something that is right for you.  Swinging is not an activity recommended for people with trust or jealousy concerns.  I'm not saying that newbies just getting started shouldn't have limits as they attempt new things - it is a bit like a safety net.  Swinging can be an emotionally jarring experience and can uncover issues that neither party was aware even existed.  So having limits as you explore the lifestyle, I think, is fine and smart.  But limits with the intention of keeping them may not be.

Two Years In

Two years in.  The old "is this going to work" question is long since answered.  The questions, the worries... those are long since gone.  Now it is just a matter of logistics and the regular pattern of the lifestyle being a part of our day to day lives.  So what does the lifestyle look like for us, two years in?

For one thing, the lifestyle is hard to separate from our normal lifestyle at this point.  I think when you start out it is "this is our life" over on one side and "this is us playing" over on the other side.  Comfort doesn't arise until the two come together and become one.  That happened for us before the first six months were up.

Today it is really hard to define which parts of our lives are lifestyle related and which are not.  We have many friends who are singles or couples with whom one or both of us play that cross any boundaries.  We also have normal lifestyle changes that are a direct result from but not directly caused by, the lifestyle such as me collecting phone numbers in bars and Monica giving hers out.  The way that we interact with others is rather different.  We've had a number of people actually guess that we were swingers without there being any overt reason why we thought that they would know (not people that we were trying to pick up, for example.)  How they guessed we have no idea.  That is something that we have been trying to work out.

One thing that we have both noticed is that in the past year the number of people who are non-swingers, those who have no idea about our lifestyle choices, have commented just in general about how lucky we are and what an awesome marriage we have.  We think so but find it amazing that other people comment on it in the way that they do.  But we can definitely tell that the factors that make swinging make sense for us are also factors that make for a great marriage - we desire to make each other happy, the other one's happiness makes us happy, trust, lack of jealousy, confidence and a deeper knowledge and understanding of each other.

It's funny to me, given my sexual background, just how bizarre our sexual lifestyle is today from what normal people experience.  It isn't odd at all for one of us to have someone over for casual sex.  Monica might bring a guy over on any random night and the three of us go at it.  Sometimes she will ask me to go work or something because she's in the mood to be taken alone, sometimes not.  Variety is a big key.  We've learned that groups are fun but lack intimacy which is an important element that I think a lot of swingers fear and attempt to avoid.  We've learned to embrace it for both of us and it is so much more exciting having that factor and all of the additional variety that that brings.

Traveling for sexual encounters has become more commonplace.  It used to be that we expected people to live around the corner.  Now we make plans and travel to make good encounters happen.  Sex used to be occasional, now it is constant, both at home and abroad.  We are both much more confident and experienced in bed too.  That is a huge bonus.  The more you do, the better you do.

We now each have our regulars and we have our one night stands.  We have the people that we've talked to forever but haven't managed to actually meet yet.  We both have same sex friends that we have gotten to know because they were the opposite partner's paramour at some point.  A huge percentage of our personal lives are somehow related to lifestyle activities or people that we know because of the lifestyle - even sometimes if those people aren't aware of their relationship to it.

Our relationship to close friends, such as those that read this blog, obviously have changed in interesting ways.  We have only a few friends with whom we share both our real life personas and the information here but as you can imagine that is a rather significant emotional connection and exposure.  The contents here are very personal.

Two years in, without a doubt, we both feel, Monica and I, that engaging in the lifestyle, to the degree that we have, has been an unquestionably great experience.  It has been great for each of us on a personal level and great for our relationship.  It has been fun in its own right and good for us too.  We have met great people and have had great experiences.  It can be a pain and frustrating at times, but everything is sometimes.  It takes special people who have a special relationship to be able to swing  but when things are right it can be such a great addition to a relationship.  We are very happy to have had the opportunity to jon the lifestyle and very happy that we made the decision to share that journey with all of you, a journey that we hope is only just beginning.

Into the Groove

It has been nearly seven years since Monica and I decided that we were going to give the swinging lifestyle a try and two years since we have actively begun doing so and couldn't be happier.  The lifestyle has been great for both of us and we are so much more into it than we would ever have guessed.

We have now been actively playing for long enough that it feels like second nature.  Hooking up with someone isn't a nerve wracking anomaly, it is just a normal part of day to day life.  Having a couple come over and everyone suddenly get naked after a few drinks seems just like something that everyone must do, but I suppose that that is pretty abnormal.

I think the thing that I am most surprised by after these two years is how much swinging has just integrated into our general lifestyle.  Having someone over to play or going out to play is not different than going out for dinner.  Sometimes it is as simple as I feel like going to the bar and instead of feeling like she is getting left behind Monica can have a "friend" over and be perfectly happy for the evening.  And I enjoy getting to come home to her all warmed up and prepped for me.  Or it could be a couple comes over to hang out with us and before the night is through we've had drinks and the clothes are all over the house.  Or she wants an early night and I head over to a girlfriend's house for some fun of my own.

We really have moved "into the groove" of swinging.  It feels natural now.  Just how things are.  I would never have guessed that swinging would ever feel normal and not at all out of place, but it really does.  Other people don't do this?  Why not?  I really have no idea.  Insecurity or lack of sexual interest, I guess.  It is a great lifestyle and so comfortable and open.  Feels much more natural.

Without a doubt the biggest surprise is the transparency that has happened.  Monica and I are so much more open with each other and with our friends.  And the lifestyle is really a great name for it, because that is exactly what it is, just an extension of our lifestyle.  We don't have to think about it.  It is just who we are.

Being in the lifestyle has really opened us up to a new world of friends too.  It is amazing what a large percentage of our regular friends are people that we know because of the lifestyle.  It is a great way to meet people.  And the people that you meet are so often so great and easy going.  The nature of the lifestyle is one of being very relaxed.

It has been a great two years.  We've really grown and learned a lot about ourselves and had so much fun.  And writing this blog, as bad as we have been about keeping up with that, has been great too.  Even if in only a small way it has served as a means of documenting our journey and we have a lot of friends that read it and keep up with our changes and growth through it too.  It is great to know that we have such a supportive, extended family that is there to support and encourage us.